(Young Zack) Why do we do the things we do?
My friend says who we are has something to do
with our parents' favorite sexual position.
What if that was true?
You'd have the nice girl and her parents.
[Moaning]
[Giggling]
(Young Zack) The angry guy...
[Honking] move your ass!
...and his parents.
[Grunting]
(Young Zack) The confused
and their parents.
[Moaning]
Oh, yeah, I'm coming. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
(Man) me, too.
(Young Zack) And then there's my parents.
Did you come?
Maybe it's the early experiences.
Those defining moments.
(Mrs. Baker) Here.
I don't think we'll ever know for sure.
[Birds chirping]
But one thing I did know
was that Abbey was magnificent.
I'll always remember the first thing she said to me.
Want to seesaw?
All I had to say was--
I'll seesaw with you.
I watched her seesaw for an hour straight.
I didn't want her to speak.
I didn't want her to have to stop smiling.
[Laughing]
Whoa!
Zachary, put your things back where they belong!
[Door closing]
Want a hot dog?
(Young Zack) Abbey had a great smile.
It was even better than the coolmint girl.
I'm very confident kissing Dan after brushing
with new peppermint-flavored kissable coolmint.
It makes me smile.
Stop kissing the television!
Uh-huh.
(Young Zack) Almost everyone had an imaginary friend.
Some had superheroes, angels, Gandhi.
I had the coolmint girl.
Yeah, I'll hold.
I think it was because of her teeth.
Teeth I could understand.
When I saw a lot of them, it meant someone was happy.
When I didn't see any teeth, it meant someone wasn't.
Where did I come from?
Uh, no.
Did I come out of the bellybutton?
Is that where I came from? Mom!
It's the vagina, all right?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
(Young Zack) Vagina.
Va-gi-na.
(Man on tape) Be strong.
Be confident.
Repeat after me: I'm a good-looking man.
♪[Music playing]
[Sighing]
I'm a good-looking man.
Dad?
[Music stops]
How did I get here?
And where's the vagina?
(Woman) the sperm's journey begins...
(Mr. Baker) Sperm. You see 'em swimming there?
...ejaculation occurs.
Now that's what we are.
One of those is you.
...are imperfect or deformed in some way.
(Young Zack) One day, something happened.
Want a chicken kebab?
I made a friend.
(Mrs. Baker) Put your shoes in your room!
(Young Zack) Over the years, things are supposed to change.
(Zack) and that's true for some.
[Baby crying]
How is it
that a lost cat can find its way home,
even if he's 100 miles away?
(Zack) but from what I know...
Hey, you!
...nothing ever changed.
Especially my problem with girlfriends.
♪ 2 of hearts
♪ 2 hearts that beat as one ♪
♪ 2 of hearts
♪ I need you, I need you
♪ 2 of hearts
♪ 2 hearts that beat as one ♪
♪ 2 of hearts
♪ come on, come on
♪ I never said I wasn't gonna tell nobody ♪
Yes!
[Exclaiming]
You wanna fuck or you wanna make love?
You feeling it?
[Whispering] you getting hot?
Come on, Baker. Say something sexy.
[Moaning]
Did you ever think about...
Yeah.
...death?
(Zack) everyone has their own way of ending a relationship.
Me, I took personal mementos from my girlfriends
and threw them off a pier.
♪[88 lines about 44 women by the nails playing]
♪ Well, Rhonda had a house in venice ♪
♪ lived on brown rice and cocaine ♪
♪ Patty had a house in Houston ♪
♪ chocolate syrup in her veins ♪
♪ Linda thought her life was empty ♪
♪ filled it up with alcohol
♪ Catherine was much too pretty ♪
♪ she didn't do that shit at all ♪
♪ uh-uh, not Catherine
♪ pauline thought that love was simple ♪
♪ turn it on and turn it off
♪ Jean-Marie was complicated
♪ like some French film maker's plot ♪
♪ Jackie was a rich punk rocker ♪
♪ silver spoon and a paper plate ♪
(Abbey) lost another one, huh?
(Zack) yeah.
How many is that?
I don't know, 8 or 9.
[Chuckling]
Try 19.
Abbey, it's 12.
[Chuckling]
Very provocative there, Seth.
What do you know about art?
Plenty.
[Snorting]
There. why don't you put that in your exhibit?
[Laughing]
[Cell phone ringing]
This is Seth.
(Joey) it's Joey. What's up?
(Zack) what's he doing back in bloomfield?
You rekindling old flames, Abbey?
Oh, yeah, you know.
We kissed on the seesaw in kindergarten.
Yeah?
Was he hot?
Yeah, bleckman, he was real hot.
At 6.
[Laughing]
You're taking this pretty personal, Abbey.
What's he doing? Is he buying your art?
Actually,
he o-offered me a deal.
And, uh,
I'm gonna take it.
I'm moving to New York.
Oh.
That's, uh...
That's so
fucking horrible.
(Bleckman) what are you talking about?
2 girls drinking soda pop,
they don't want to be bothered.
2 girls drinking beer, they're looking for witty conversation.
2 girls drinking hard alcohol,
they got problems you don't want to know about.
2 girls with frozen beverages
with little pink umbrellas sticking out of them?
[Snorts]
They're looking for action.
And I'm not talking about
going to a movie.
♪[Music playing]
You know, you girls are breaking the law.
You're too damn h-h-h-hot
to be drinking alone.
So me and my friend here
are gonna have to, uh, rectify the situation.
♪ Take it from me
I mean, like, look at the wood in here.
[Doorbell chiming]
Hi.
You can't leave, Abbey.
Are you drunk?
D-do you-- do you remember the seesaw?
Do you remember the chicken kebab?
Yeah.
Why?
[Chuckles]
You are drunk.
Yes.
[Laughing]
Um, when do you leave?
Oh, Monday.
Sunday. 8:00. Let's go out.
You and me.
Ok.
[Door closing]
You left me, buddy. You left me for dead.
What did I miss?
Only the biggest night of my life.
Look at me. I never went home.
Yes, you did. You didn't change.
All right. Ok, what happened?
Spit it out.
Something happened. I can see the wheels turning.
You know, you go through these stages every time.
Denial,
self-doubt, confusion.
Textbook neurosis. You're depressed, Zack.
Don't feel bad. You're not alone.
You know, they said in 1987,
that auto mechanics consumed more Prozac
than any other blue-collar occupation.
All the grease and oil got into the pores of their skin,
sinking down, cutting off their--
I went to Abbey's last night.
You passed up the Margarita girls to go to Abbey?
I asked her out on a date.
What do you mean, a date?
Oh, no. What'd she say?
Yes.
You know this perfect girl your whole life,
but you never go for her.
Then suddenly you realize it's over,
it's too late, you've lost your chance.
And all these emotions start to surface.
It's very common with a sensitive,
type-b personality.
It's too late. Forget about her.
Now, that's--that's cosmo's advice.
What?
Look, you wanna go on safari, you read national geographic.
You wanna bake a--a fucking pancake,
you read Martha Stewart.
You wanna know about women, you read cosmo.
Look. you wanted to know about women.
Here I am.
Ok.
She doesn't take me seriously.
So you tell me. What am I doing wrong?
For starters, Baker,
you don't know how to come on to a woman.
Maybe you could give him a few pointers.
[Horn blaring]
See? a woman likes to be manhandled.
They like their men strong.
Maybe Toni has a point.
Maybe I'm not manly enough.
She's the one that wants to be more manly.
What are you worried about? You're in your prime.
Manager of an up-and-coming auto shop.
You got your own pad.
You're a man.
(Mrs. Baker) Zachary!
Go pick up Penelope.
She must be worried sick.
(Doris) here's your Penelope!
(Zack) thanks, Doris.
[Dog whimpering]
(Doris) hi, dawn.
[Dog barking]
[Cat meowing]
Dawn Kramer?
Do I know you?
Zack Baker.
We kissed.
Bloomfield elementary.
You were my first.
How you doin'?
How was I?
You were scared shitless.
[Cat yowling]
What does she know?
You can learn a lot about yourself from other people.
If that's what you believe, then go to therapy.
At least you'd be talking to a professional.
You ever been to therapy?
Of course not.
I think women are great.
Sweet little innocent creatures.
Then they bloom. Ravenous serpents.
Sinking its fangs. Ripping out your heart.
Devouring your soul, leaving you for dead!
Dead!
You sit there for hours.
You tell a complete stranger everything.
All the way down to how you used to jerk off
to little house on the prairie.
Then, they sit there,
stare at you like they understand.
What do they know?
All they got is a plaque on the wall. They don't know me.
Yeah. if I was gonna listen to someone,
it wouldn't be some girl that I kissed 15 years ago.
It'd be one of the chicks I'm doing now.
[Birds chirping]
A lot of girls know me.
It's a grizzly bunch.
I could talk to them.
I could ask them questions.
I'd have to learn something, right?
You're not serious.
Who was it that said, "if you really want to know a man,
ask the women in his life"?
I don't know. Some loser?
I got the whole weekend.
(Bleckman) hey, I can tell you everything you need to know.
I'm talking about learning what a woman wants,
from a woman.
Finally, all these fucked-up relationships
are gonna amount to something.
Even if they could help, and that's a big if,
what makes you think they'd talk to you?
Most of them hate you.
Women don't carry grudges. Time heals wounds.
Yeah.
Abbey's gonna see a different side of me.
You can't change. Not in 3 days.
Oh, people change all the time.
I just wanna learn how.
Would you rather drown or get eaten by a shark?
Shark. I'll take the shark.
Drowning would give me too much time to think.
Hmm.
I have this fear.
I'm in this plane that crashes into the ocean.
I barely survive this horrible traumatic experience,
and everybody's screaming, you know,
and trying to get out of this big, mangled piece of metal.
I manage to slip through a window,
completely covered in shrapnel,
and then I get eaten by a shark.
[Chuckling]
[Birds twittering]
(Mrs. Baker) Oh, there you are.
I have another sweater for you.
Mom, do you know where my yearbook--
ask your father.
[Knocking on door]
(Mr. Baker) I'm the man of the house.
And that's what I want to be recognized as.
I expect to be treated with respect.
[Door creaking]
I want a kiss in the morning when I go to work,
and I want dinner when I come home at night.
[Whimpers]
(Sarah) loser.
(Zack) bloomfield yearbook.
Well, my old stomping ground.
Oh, this guy. What a fucking idiot.
What are you doing?
Just tell her.
Maybe she could give you some advice.
God, you are such an embarrassment.
I can't believe I'm related to you.
You're going through your yearbook?
That is so '80s.
(Zack) give me some names.
I cannot be a part of this.
(Zack) let's see, there was
Brenda, Gina, Kelly,
staci, Mary, uh, Jen.
Remember Jen?
She moved.
Wait.
Gretchen longerhaad. Do you remember her?
Yeah, doesn't she work at Howie's?
What'd she do, give you your first hickey?
She was my first real girlfriend.
Yeah, wasn't that when you were in, like, 10th grade?
What advice could she possibly give you now?
If I was doing something wrong then,
chances are I'm probably still doing it now.
Like popping zits?
What are you doing tomorrow?
July 4th weekend? Uh...
You know, got some plans.
What plans you got?
You know, plans.
What plans?
All right. What do you want?
You want my conversation skills?
You--you want my knowledge of women?
Well, what do you need from me here?
♪[Spanish song playing]
Ok. what's wrong?
Nothing.
[Sighing]
Something's bothering you.
Whenever you have a problem, you drive slow.
I'm not driving slow.
[Bell tinkling]
Asshole.
[Clearing throat]
Look.
I thought you said you wanted me for my rapport with women.
Something more important than just my car.
Hey. your car is important.
I can't go see these girls without it.
(Bleckman) you're missing the point.
I don't think you're using me to my full potential.
It's like you got Michael Jordan
and instead of having him play hoop for your team,
you got him doing your dishes.
Ok, so you want to be more involved.
Yeah, I want to play.
[Cash register dinging]
Wait. you--you gotta buy somethin'.
Beans? refried beans?
It's a decoy.
She's gonna think I'm a slob.
Refried beans are good. They're fun.
Oh, you never buy just beans.
(Zack) oh, um...
This, too.
[Man chattering on P.A. system]
[Stammering]
Zack Baker?
(Gretchen) this is c-c-crazy.
Well, fuck me, how are ya?
Good. how are you?
(Old woman) Isn't this the express Lane?
Bitch! why don't you go to the other line?
I'm talking here.
Oh!
Oh, I don't want to get you in trouble.
[Stuttering] are you kidding?
I'm sleeping with the manager.
That girl, she stood there talking for 20 minutes now.
Oh.
Guess that takes care of that.
I know y-y-you.
You-you-you're that fucking asshole.
Why don't you wait over there?
[Snorts]
Gretchen.
Do you-- do you remember...
Why did we break up?
[Stammering] have you ever snorkeled
in the wind?
It's fun.
You ever climbed a rock in the snow?
(Gretchen) hello?
You're the m-m-m-m-most difficult person to have a conversation with.
Fuck!
Y-y-you don't listen--listen!
Does that answer your question?
Nice talking to you there, Gretchen!
Hey, Zack! Where's my bike?
What brilliant advice did she give ya?
I'm not a good listener.
I mean, I listen to what women talk about,
but I don't listen to what they're really saying.
What does Abbey talk about?
What does she like?
Art.
That's all she talks about.
I mean, I got to be able to relate to her on her level.
That's what it means
to be able to have a good relationship.
Conversation. it's crucial.
Hey,
if Oprah Winfrey sat you down and said
you needed to work on your conversation skills,
you know what? I'd buy it.
But Gretchen longerhaad?
Come on, man.
She has to be the single worst conversationalist
in middle America.
She can't even speak.
What the fuck does she know?
Susie!
I need to talk to you.
Oh, god! I need to talk to you, too.
I told myself i would never look back.
But, Baker, I think now we both realize
that we have something special here.
Something we should hold onto.
Susie, I don't want to get back together.
Oh.
I just want to ask you a question.
You know what I want?
I want you to remember this moment, Baker.
I want you to remember when you had a chance.
You will regret this.
[Sobbing]
(Zack) what is her problem?
(Bleckman) you're breaking the law.
When you end a relationship, that's it.
It's over.
You're not supposed to talk to them anymore.
You go back and you're asking
for a bunch of emotional shit you can't handle.
Let me guess. Teen beat.
[Sighing]
All right, who's next?
(Zack) Kelly woodward?
Uh...
Wasn't she your babysitter?
Let's go, bleckman!
Yeah, don't worry.
I'll take good care of little Zachary.
Zachary.
I got a little surprise for you.
No eating during class.
Do it!
Say the line.
S-s-so what are you gonna do, Mrs. woodward,
s-s-send me to detention?
Mmm.
Sure you got the right place?
[Birds twittering]
Hi! are you here to see the house?
No.
Uh, actually we're here to see you.
You used to baby-sit me.
Zack Baker.
Uh-huh.
I've been having some problems.
Damn it! I am so sick of this shit.
You blame it all on me, right?
Psychologically scarred bullshit.
You want money, right?
For all those years of therapy
and a sexually dysfunctional adolescence.
Oh, I just went through all this shit
with that little brat Tommy whittaker.
Statutory rape, my ass.
Hey, where were you when I needed a babysitter?
Look, I don't want any money.
Well, what do you want?
[Doorbell chimes]
Oh, damn it.
(Woman) Harry, would you stop with the goddamn camera?
[Kelly laughing]
(Woman) hello.
Hello.
Oh, Harry, look at this molding.
Isn't that nice?
Now, is there a makeup mirror?
Oh, yes, there's a lovely one right over there.
Is there a doggy door?
There has to be a doggy door.
Oh, I know how you feel. I just love dogs.
I have a shih tzu at home
and if the little fellow couldn't get in and out as he pleases,
he'd crap all over the place.
Kelly?
I'm trying to figure some things out about myself.
[Whispering] look, what does this have to do with me?
I hardly remember you.
Well, I lost my virginity to you. You remember that?
Is this some kind of joke?
Look, just get out of here.
Uh, I can take it from here.
Oh, that's ok. Talk to your friend.
He needs you. Good luck.
(Bleckman) you like fireplaces?
[Sighing]
All right. What do you want from me?
Just some advice.
Well, from what i can remember, you weren't very sexy.
I mean, you just stood there. You were never into anything.
Women like sexy men.
How do you mean?
Look. there are 2 turn-ons.
A man's ass.
Accentuate your ass.
Ok, and the other one?
A man's mouth.
Be sexy with it. Stick things in it.
Suck things. Suck it all.
Here. suck the pen.
No.
Go ahead.
Mmm.
No, not like that!
Like this.
Oh.
Now suck it.
What are you doing?
He was licking his fork.
Don't lick the silverware.
It's silverware.
You're supposed to put it in your mouth.
I lick the silverware.
(Mrs. Baker) Oh, please.
Let's not start talking about your eating habits.
I thought you didn't mind the way I eat.
Larry, I tolerate it.
It's not your fault you're a slob. It's your upbringing.
Christ! after watching you wolf down those chicken wings
at buffalo Bob's, I'll never be the same.
Oh, and who could forget your barbecued rib stage?
That's all you'd ever order:
Baby backs, baby backs, baby backs.
[Laughs]
What do I expect?
I married a man who makes clothing tags for a living.
[Snickering]
So did you hear about Zack's date with Abbey?
Oh, she's a good looker.
(Mrs. Baker) Yeah, a little too good.
You should set your sights lower.
You can be happy with kmart if you never knew about Gucci.
Ask him how he's preparing for this date.
How are you preparing for the date, son?
(Sarah) he's going back to all the women in his life
to find out why he can't hold a relationship.
Once he comes to grips with this revelation,
he thinks Abbey's gonna fall for him.
Well, that's retarded.
Sounds pretty irrational.
Completely immature.
Well, we are all entitled to our own opinion.
Could you please pass me the fucking Brussels sprouts?
[Crickets chirping]
[Dog barks]
(Seth) it's happening. I'm getting inspired.
♪[Music playing]
Do you see it?
[People chattering]
I see, uh, suds.
[Chuckles]
Oh, Abbey,
even when you're being crass, you're a poet.
[Laughs]
I feel sorry for the girl that's coming home with me tonight.
Really?
There's your 2 Margarita girls, right there.
Yeah, I'm, uh, looking for another challenge now.
You and me, we are the same creature.
Gifted.
What do we have here?
Welcome to camp yummy.
Let me show you how it's done.
First step,
you got to know what you're dealing with.
You got the mental image going?
Mmm-hmm.
What do you see?
(Zack) 2 girls.
No. 2 fun-loving college girls.
Now the approach. What do you do?
Say hello?
That's why you're here.
You got to give these college girls
what they're looking for.
Popular party guy.
[Groans]
I got so wasted the other night.
[Moans]
[Chuckling]
[Whispering] there are 2 total losers walking up to us right now.
Hey! Kathleen and Carol, right?
(Bleckman) wait a minute! Amy and Felicity.
I don't think you should call him.
I know, but he's so gorgeous.
They look familiar to you?
(Girl #2) I don't think you should call him.
He hasn't called me back in 4 days.
Who does he think he is?
Veronica, he's the president of pike.
That's who he is.
I know. I called him, like, 5 times yesterday.
How many messages did you leave?
One. who do you think I am?
(Girl #2) Maybe he has caller I.D.
How many messages have you left in the past 4 days?
We can take simple things like suds,
turn them into
swirling images of
innovative thought.
[Girls laughing]
You don't know what you got till it's gone.
That's when it hits him.
"What's she doing? Is she hanging out
with that new fancy transfer student?"
He lost you.
And then he's gonna really start calling.
Sending tulips. Writing poems.
Whatever it takes to get you back.
Life is like
suds of beer.
Y-you know, we don't necessarily like the taste,
but you got to get through it
to get to the good stuff.
[Clears throat]
What if he never calls?
It wasn't meant to be.
You want a drink?
No, thanks.
[People chattering]
W-w-wait. what--what are you doing?
I got what I needed.
What did you get?
(Zack) women are starting to find me more appealing.
(Bleckman) whoop-de-fucking-doo.
If you go up and talk to a girl
and she invites you for a drink, you gotta drink.
Fruits of your labor, man.
You go drink with her.
I'm gonna call it a night.
[Crickets chirping]
[Dog barks]
[Tools clinking]
You're such a pussy.
Take her. Be assertive.
Be sexier.
Don't look at me. Look at her.
She's the one you want.
Move your hips, like this.
It's all concentration.
(Mr. Baker) Repeat after me.
I'm a good-looking man.
[Birds chirping]
(Brenda) oh, wow! Zack!
[Gasps]
Hi, Eugene.
(Boy) mommy! Joey's drinking the bleach.
Can you see I'm busy?
[Boys laughing]
(Brenda) i think you're great, Zack.
I just... I needed something more.
Something you couldn't provide.
(Zack) what sort of things couldn't I provide?
(Child) die, asshole!
[Bleckman groans]
Play nice, or I'm calling the cops,
and they're gonna put you in jail!
(Bleckman) thank you.
Incentive.
Um, what sort of things couldn't I provide?
The married life, Zack.
I love having my own family.
(Bleckman) no, no, no, no.
Um,
I've never been happier.
(Boy) you're mine, bitch!
(Bleckman) little fucker!
I told you not to touch anyone
until we found out what that rash is!
(Brenda) wash. you go wash now, mister!
[Exclaiming]
Eugene. it's feces-related from preschool,
but you may want to clean your face.
[Children laughing]
This life was never for you.
[Gasps]
Oh, my god!
Look at this gown, Zack.
It's so beautiful.
Don't you think?
Brenda...
Yes, Zack?
...why are you looking at me like that?
You were afraid of commitment.
But we were only 18.
Don't you believe in family?
[Bleckman groans]
Brenda, we only knew each other a couple of weeks.
It's about discovery, Zack.
That's where true love lies.
It's not the oyster.
[Bleckman exclaims]
It's the Pearl within.
[Birds chirping]
And here comes my Pearl now.
[Children laughing]
[Door opening]
[Bleckman chattering]
[Door slamming]
(Bleckman) bastard.
You can't marry her.
That's the only way she's gonna stay.
Zack, marriage is final, man.
That's it. No more. Game over.
It's last call at the bar.
End of life as you know it.
You sure she's the one?
[Tires squealing]
Hey, Baker.
[Birds chirping]
Meet my new boyfriend, Franz.
4-time triathlete.
Pedal.
What was that?
♪[Music playing]
And one chocolate fudge nut.
There you go. Same for you.
[Music stops]
What the fuck you looking at?
[Birds chirping]
You know, i really hate that guy.
Thank you.
[Car door opens]
Hey.
[Car engine starting]
♪[Music blaring on car stereo]
Well, what's Mr. viper doing?
[Tires squealing]
Oh, he's, um, heading for New York.
He's, uh, making preparations.
So, are your parents gonna throw you a big goodbye party?
Oh, god, I hope not.
Everyone telling me how many people die in New York.
"Stay in bloomfield. Play it safe."
Well, I mean,
it is one of the top 5 murder capitals in the world.
It's not top 5.
Yeah, well, it's way more dangerous than being here.
I mean, what with the cranes
falling on people's heads and those subways.
People getting thrown out on the tracks.
What about that big park?
Everybody's just disappearing.
[Laughing]
It's a big move, Abbey.
I'm gonna miss this.
You and me talking over the fence.
I'll see you tomorrow, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Hey.
I saw you last night. In the bar.
You were so animated.
Well, you're gonna see some changes in me, Abbey.
♪[88 lines about 44 women by the nails playing]
♪ Seattle was another girl
(staci) give me a "b"! Give me an "a"!
Give me a "k"! "E"! "R"!
What, what, what, what, what, what does it spell?
Baker, Baker, Baker! Yeah!
[Grunts]
You better know what's hot, what's happening, what's now.
What kind of music you listen to?
You listen to hip-hop, right?
Ugh, just lose the tight jeans.
♪ Gloria, the last taboo
♪ was shattered by her tongue one night ♪
♪ Mimi brought the taboo back ♪
♪ and held it up before the light ♪
♪ Marilyn, who knew no shame
♪ was never ever satisfied
♪ Julie came and went so fast ♪
♪ she didn't even say goodbye ♪
I can't remember when I've seen you looking so lovely.
I just told the guy,
"if that's what you think about
that..."
♪ Well, Rhonda had a house in venice ♪
♪ lived on brown rice and cocaine ♪
♪ Patty had a house in Houston ♪
♪ shot cough syrup in her veins ♪
♪ Linda thought her life was empty ♪
Whoa. whoa.
♪ Katherine was much too pretty ♪
♪ she didn't do that shit at all ♪
♪ uh-uh-uh, not Katherine
♪ pauline thought that love was simple ♪
♪ turn it on and turn it off ♪
♪ Jean-Marie was complicated
♪ like some French filmmaker's plot ♪
♪ Gina was the perfect lady
♪ always kept her stockings straight ♪
♪ Jackie was a rich punk rocker ♪
♪ silver spoon and a paper plate ♪
(Zack) it's all coming together.
You drop one pebble in a pond, watch the ripples.
Since when do you give a shit what I think?
Wait! get away from me!
♪ Sarah was a modern dancer
♪ lean pristine transparency
you were cheap and dirty.
♪ In a crazy kind of urgency
♪ Tanya turkish liked to fuck ♪
♪ while wearing leather biker boots ♪
♪ Brenda's strange obsession
♪ was for certain vegetables and fruit ♪
I wouldn't say that I was cheap.
Are you kidding?
I never even heard of some of the places you took me.
(Man on P.A. system) Welcome to bucket o' beef.
(Man on P.A. system) What the fuck you want?
(Gina) you bring new meaning to the word "cheap."
Ok.
But dirty. Come on.
I know dirty people.
♪ Nina, 16, had a baby
♪ left her parents, lived alone ♪
♪ Bobbi joined a new wave band ♪
What you doing?
♪ Eloise, who played guitar, sang songs ♪
You working?
♪ Terri didn't give a shit, was just a nihilist ♪
♪ Ronnie was much more my style ♪
There's a killer party going down at big Bob's.
3 kegger.
♪ Dinah drove her Chevrolet
it's gonna be hot.
♪ Judy came from Ohio, she's a scientologist ♪
♪ amaranta, here's a kiss
♪ I chose you to end this list ♪
Do you mean sleazy dirty or dirty dirty?
Dirty dirty.
Hey.
If you ever need someone to talk to,
someone to listen to your problems,
someone who really...
Uh...
Hey, you, uh, still got crumble cake in this shithole?
Am I dirty?
What, sleazy dirty or, like, dirty dirty?
Dirty dirty.
Not particularly.
Wait.
Now, what's that supposed to mean?
Hey, stop being so fucking insecure.
Look at me. I'm a confident guy.
I don't care what people say.
It's not my style.
I'm more of a spontaneous,
get-up-in-your-face kind of guy.
I see what I want, i go get it.
(Bleckman) a boyfriend's biggest fear.
Hi.
(Bleckman) popular party guy.
Um, we met at bottoms up.
I think it was last year.
Zack?
(Bleckman) i feel sorry for the girl
that's going home with me tonight.
I'm that sexy stranger
you find lurking in the back of bars.
You were drinking cosmopolitans.
[Bleckman chattering]
Yeah, that's my drink.
I'm the guy that asks himself in on the first date.
I'm the guy that catholic schoolgirls think about
when they're saying their hail Marys.
Yeah, that's me.
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
I--i remember you.
We had sex.
Yes. yes.
Oh, uh, this is-- this is my buddy, bleckman.
Did we have sex?
Hey, um, there's something i should tell you.
(Zack) really?
Well, I have a few things I'd like to ask you myself.
Uh, you may have gonorrhea.
(Woman on P.A. system) Dr. kravitz,
please report to the main lobby.
Dr. kravitz, a visitor in the main lobby.
[Baby crying]
I bet you feel just like him.
Mutilated, red,
hanging out at the free clinic.
You should stop worrying about what you need, Zack,
and start enjoying what you already have.
Girls--girls, they like you.
It's not hard to see why.
You're better than 90 percent of the guys in this town.
[Phone rings]
If only you knew that,
you'd probably be with Abbey right now.
Your insights are shit.
You spend all day
talking about your great knowledge of women,
you've never even had a girlfriend.
Fuck!
[Baby crying]
Fuck.
Are you Zack Baker?
Yes.
(Woman on P.A. system) Mrs. Sanchez, please report to room 203.
You don't have gonorrhea.
[Sighs]
[Exhales]
But you do have chronic halitosis.
I want you to seriously consider
a career in the clothing-tag industry.
(Mr. Baker) You know who that is? Take a guess.
Harvey rosenthal.
Now, his design on the shape of the clothing tag
revolutionized the business.
Brilliant, brilliant man.
Mom, did girls like dad in high school?
(Mr. Baker) Oh, now look at this one.
Sam bloomenthal.
He organized the whole convention.
Next year, i could bring you along.
What do you say? I could introduce you to him.
Larry, why would he want to go to the clothing-tag convention?
Why would anybody want to go?
Well, um, they've got great food.
They--they got spareribs.
I know how you like spareribs.
[Mr. Baker chuckles]
It's very festive.
You may even meet a lady friend.
Not to mention the connections.
People there
can give you a career with some meaning.
You know, you could come, too.
Plan for the future.
Dad.
I'll design the clothes,
and you can put the tags on them.
[Mrs. Baker laughing]
Mom, you're not happy with dad, are you?
Oh, honey, your dad's the only man for me.
So why do you make fun of him all the time?
(Mr. Baker) That's just it, sweetheart. It's just fun.
Now, your dad's secure enough in himself
not to let just words affect him.
He's strong, confident, good-looking.
Any mean thing your mom says
just bounces off your dad like a little gnat.
(Zack) stop it!
Please, please can we just have one normal conversation?
I don't see anything out of the ordinary.
That's where the problem begins.
And you know who's gonna suffer from this?
Not me. Her.
Don't make this about me.
You're doing well, aren't you?
Really smart, normal.
[Snickers]
Wait. wait till 15.
Wait till you start dating.
Maybe you'll go out with crazy guys
with motorcycles and python boots.
Or maybe--
maybe you'll go out with women.
Whatever it is, you ain't gonna be normal, sister.
This Abbey thing's getting to you, huh?
When I'm 27, I'm gonna move to New York
and become a postmodernist painter.
You should ask me out now, before it's too late.
(Toni) a woman likes to be manhandled.
They like their men strong.
(Gina) you were cheap and dirty.
(Susie) i want you to remember when you had a chance!
(Vanessa) since when do you give a shit what I think?
(Abbey) you were scared shitless.
(Sarah) you are such an embarrassment.
I can't believe I'm related to you.
(Mrs. Baker) Yeah, a little too good.
You should set your sights lower.
(Kelly) you were afraid of commitment.
[Birds chirping]
[Bell tinkling]
Hey, Baker.
Meet umberto, my new boyfriend.
He's an actor.
How's it going, man?
Uh, here you are. Thank you.
His new film is very highly acclaimed
with the bloomfield daily.
Susie.
I don't know what you're trying to do.
But I have to go.
He loves me, Baker.
Do you hear me? He loves me!
[Clock ticking]
(Mrs. Baker) Penelope.
(Zack) i can't believe it.
[Growling]
Give me my shirt. Penelope!
[Snarling]
Ok. new plan.
I'm borrowing the car.
You can't borrow the car.
My date's tonight.
Well, take a bus. Buses are fun.
Mom, please.
I don't ask for much.
I want gas, and I don't mean a drip.
I want to see that needle on "f."
Fine.
Oh.
What do we have here?
Oh.
Yeah, they're all here.
Mostly. I don't see that little whore Jennifer
that used to grab your crotch at the dinner table.
Does this make you happy?
You know, just because things didn't work out for you,
it doesn't mean things aren't gonna work out for me.
And what's that supposed to mean?
I've seen the picture,
in the jewelry box.
I have been with your father for 27 years.
You think I get bored? You bet I do.
He's a silly man.
You set your sights for some great girl
and you don't get her,
you're always gonna wonder what could have been.
Let me make my own mistakes.
Take the cards down before they peel the varnish.
[Car engine starts]
[Crickets chirping]
Oh, my god.
Wait. wait. Wait.
[Door lock clicks]
Hey.
You--you look nice.
For you.
Oh.
[Chuckles]
That's so sweet.
[Car engine starts]
All right, we'll see you at 9:00.
You bet. Bye-bye.
Uh, hello.
Baker, for 2.
Your table's ready to go.
♪[Music playing]
That's the mechanic boy.
The one that's been going around town
making a fuss with all the women.
Oh, right! Right.
Oh, look how cute they are.
$5.00 says he's not getting laid.
You're on.
(Hostess) if you need anything, just ask.
Thank you.
Are you trying to sweep me off my feet?
Zack, it's really pricey.
"Price is a fountain of nothingness
when compared to one man's dream."
Well, don't look at me. These aren't my words.
These are the words of Neil ulman.
Yeah, the postmodern impressionist, elmo.
So, um,
what did you think of the renoir exhibit
missing luncheon at the boating party?
Hmm, man,
I am so hungry.
[Laughs]
[Tools clinking]
Take her!
Look at those lips.
Abbey?
Will you marry me?
(Staci) boring!
When you ask someone to marry you,
you got to go big! Have some fun!
Make it like a major rager, yeah!
[Grunts]
Couldn't you afford a box?
(Toni) look at those lips,
just waiting to be sucked.
(Zack) could you excuse me?
I'll be right-- I'll be right back.
Excuse me.
Can you put this in my date's food?
It's got to be something fun.
Put it in a bed of lettuce.
Lettuce?
Hmm. ok, forget the lettuce.
Ok, do you have something thick?
Something that will disguise it.
Mashed potatoes are good.
Ok. I like your thinking.
But mashed potatoes, to me, not so sexy.
I need something...
Oh, god.
I got-- I gotta have something intriguing.
Chocolate mousse.
Chocolate mousse is sexy.
Could you-- could you please just make sure
that this gets in her chocolate mousse?
Hey, Baker. What are you doing here?
Oh, a date.
Susie.
Please don't ruin this for me.
I don't care what you do.
You can go on 100 dates.
I could give a shit.
You know why, Baker?
Because I'm over you.
[Crying] I'm so over you.
Mmm.
Tell me you love me, Baker.
Oh, no. Tell me you love me.
[Water running]
[Door opens]
[Footsteps approaching]
I'm sorry.
I don't know what came over me.
I guess I just got jealous.
I just don't want you to remember me like that crazy girl
who was madly in love with you.
What I'm trying to say
is that I just want to be friends.
What do you say? Friends?
Friends.
Oh.
[Sighs]
[Exclaiming]
Tell me you love me, Baker!
[Sighs]
You have something here.
Yeah.
You were having a nice conversation with the hostess, huh?
(Susie) how are we doing tonight?
Oh, good.
[Clears throat]
You know, when we went out,
he never took me to places like this.
He tried to get fancy once.
You know, those restaurants
with the commercials with the stupid jingles
and the idiot wearing the cowboy hat, roping cattle?
Nothing but the best, huh, Baker?
Excuse me. It's susie.
Right. you're susie.
Susie, I would love
to spend the evening hearing more about
how Zack didn't care about you.
However we are famished.
So, if you could bring us
some of that nice, hot, fluffy bread
and a little plate of butter on the side
and then don't come back till we're ready to order,
that would be great, ok?
Mmm.
That was delicious.
You're the best.
How about some dessert?
That sounds wonderful.
Chocolate mousse.
You like chocolate mousse.
Since when do I like chocolate mousse?
Everyone likes chocolate mousse. It's delicious.
2 chocolate mousses.
Everything is clear to me.
I understand.
What?
Here you are.
Hmm.
Thanks.
Yeah, you better dig in. This is really something.
Mmm.
[Woman screaming]
[Woman laughing]
Yeah! yeah!
Fuck! yeah!
[Laughing]
Yes, I'll marry you!
[Woman giggling]
Yes, I'll marry you!
He put it in the pudding!
He put it in the... Hey! Hey!
[Yelping]
[Gasps]
Abbey,
will you marry me?
You mean so much to me, Zack.
Is that me?
Different, huh?
You got a place for it?
[Sizzling]
Hey.
Hi, kiddo.
Hey.
Velveeta.
Extra thick sliced, just how you like it.
Perfect.
[Dog barking]
What are you doing here?
I live here.
Heard you got food.
Hey, you know,
bleckman, i would never do anything--
are you...
Are you trying to apologize?
Actually, it's not something I'm very good at.
Maybe you should go back to your friends
from the past, see what they have to say.
Uh-uh.
Wouldn't make it better.
[Laughs]
What's so funny?
No, I was just picturing all your friends.
Such losers.
[Both chuckling]
[Laughs]
[Dog barking]
The magic 3.
Oh, don't tell me you don't know about the magic 3.
"Every man's life will have 3 true loves."
So according to this, you still got 2 more coming.
And you really believe in all that?
Yeah.
[Birds cawing]
Actually, I, uh,
I met somebody.
Yeah.
What's she like?
She's nice. She's real nice.
It's kind of like,
you never know when it's gonna come.
It just-- it just happens all of a sudden
when you least expect it.
Then bam, she's right there.
You just got to be patient, buddy.
The next thing you know,
there's your girl walking around that next corner.
♪ Faith pours from your walls ♪
♪ drowning you calls
♪ I've tried to hear
hey.
Hey.
Hey, Zack. Meet Janet.
Yeah, we--we met last night.
How'd your date go?
It worked out for the best.
Hey, uh, you guys want to go get some ice cream
or grab a nice pointy piece of pizza or...
[Laughing]
♪ Shining my way
♪ pure timing
(bleckman) you know this perfect girl your whole life,
but you never go for her.
Then suddenly you realize it's over,
it's too late, you've lost your chance.
I could play one game,
but it would have to be a home game.
'Cause I'm not going...
(Mrs. Baker) ...Be happy with K-Mart if you never knew about Gucci.
...finger flips and who's got the oldest birkenstocks...
(Abbey) stay in bloomfield. Play it safe.
Thank you. I'd rather show up naked to class any day.
(Abbey) I'm gonna miss this.
Talking to you over the fence.
Hey, what would you rather be?
A leaf or an orange?
♪ Soleil all over you
(Zack) I'll be a leaf.
♪ Pours over me soleil
(Abbey) you're an orange.
♪ All over you, warm sun
♪[just got lucky by joboxers playing]
♪ Your technique, it leaves me weak ♪
♪ my heart knows it's the beat I seek ♪
Get out.
♪ And I found it
♪ just got lucky
♪ yes, I found it
♪ just got lucky
♪ I never worry that your love is fake ♪
♪ I'm feeling easy and I'm feeling Jake ♪
♪ 'cause I found it
♪ just got lucky
♪ oh, boy, I found it
♪ just got lucky
♪ 'cause I never felt this way before ♪
♪ like a dog always begging for more ♪
♪ I've been fooled by love so many times ♪
♪ I gave up on all those silly rhymes ♪
♪ kept my feelings all inside my heart ♪
♪ a locked door, no key was cut that was to fit ♪
♪ now I'm such a very lucky guy ♪
♪ gangway, one side now, come on hear me say ♪
♪ we've got the answer and it's plain to see ♪
♪ come on hear me say
♪ that I'm for you and you're for me ♪
♪ 'cause I found it
♪ just got lucky
♪ together we've found it
♪ just got lucky
♪ I feel a quiver every time we kiss ♪
♪ the sky's the limit with a love like this ♪
♪ 'cause I found it
♪ just got lucky
♪ together we found it
♪ just got lucky
♪ 'cause I never felt this way before ♪
♪ like a dog always begging for more ♪
♪ I've been fooled by love so many times ♪
♪ I gave up on all those silly rhymes ♪
♪ kept my feelings all inside my heart ♪
♪ a locked door, no key was cut that was to fit ♪
♪ now I'm such a very lucky guy ♪
♪ gangway, one side now, come on hear me say ♪
♪ we've got the answer and it's plain to see ♪
♪ come on hear me say
♪ that I'm for you and you're for me ♪
♪ 'cause I found it
♪ just got lucky
♪ together we've found it
♪ just got lucky
♪ I feel a quiver every time we kiss ♪
♪ the sky's the limit with a love like this ♪
♪ 'cause I found it
♪ just got lucky
♪ together we found it
♪ just got lucky
♪ 'cause I never felt this way before ♪
♪ like a dog always begging for more ♪
♪ I've been fooled by love so many times ♪
♪ I gave up on all those silly rhymes ♪
♪ kept my feelings all inside my heart ♪
♪ a locked door, no key was cut that was to fit ♪
♪ now I'm such a very lucky guy ♪
♪ gangway, one side now, come on hear me say ♪
♪ come on hear me say
♪ just got lucky
♪ your technique, it leaves me weak ♪
♪ my heart knows it's the beat I seek ♪
♪ yeah, I found it
♪ just got lucky
♪ oh, boy, I found it
♪ just got lucky
♪ 'cause I never felt this way before ♪
♪ just got lucky